If You Say So
by MyGoldStar
Summary: A series of drabbles/oneshots updated when possible. They are Rachel writing letters to Finn when she misses him, when she needs someone to talk to or just someone to understand. Rated T for Safety. Hurt/Comfort & hidden/flashback Romance. Title taken from Lea Michele's If You Say So, no copyright infringement intended.
1. Letter 1

_Hey guys. It's me again, this time with a series of drabbles/oneshots based around Rachel dealing with Finn's death. They are mainly going to be letters. They won't be very long, depending on how inspired I am. This first one is set a week after his death, and I hope you enjoy it, in the most respectful way possible._

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, If You Say So or anything the reader may recognise. The words, however, are all my own choices. _**

* * *

_To The Love of My Life,_

_I, umm,I _

_I don't know what to say. I, umm, I miss you. _

_It's, uhh, it's been seven whole days since I last saw you, or even spoke to you. I don't know how I managed that long. I'm still sobbing. I'm not sure I want to believe in God if he took you away from me. From us._

And the problem is that I know that you don't want me to be upset. I can hear you saying 'Please, Rachel, don't cry. It hurts to see you cry without being able to comfort you.' I want to do what you want, but try being in my position, okay?

_Okay, I'm. I'm sorry. I don't want to be angry with you. You...being gone...is not your fault. That's the one thing that I'm sure of in this world now, apart from my love for you._

_Which brings me to something else. You... You know that when we were both ready I would have come back to you, right? My plan was simple: I would make it big on Broadway and maybe do a Woody Allen movie and one day I would just go back to Lima and you'd be teaching at McKinley and...You would ask me what I was doing there and I would just say 'I'm home.' Simple as that. _

_I wrote a song, you know. I can't perform it in front of anyone, and it's not perfect, but I think it explains my feelings perfectly. It's called 'If You Say So'. Remember? Our last conversation was over the phone after I had had got Fanny...I have a feeling that if you were still here we would have gotten back together soon (even if it ruined my plan!). _

_It's hard - to think about you. But I don't want to forget the sound of your voice, the way you held me and kissed me, the way you were so caring before, during and after we made love. I talk to you when Kurt and Santana aren't here. I think it's more romantic to write though. As much as I love talking to you, you can't reply. At least this way I can look back on what I say._

I... uhh... I need to go now. Kurt and Santana are back. They'll be asking me to watch a movie in a couple of minutes, and I think, for once, I may just join them.

I miss you,  
All my love,  
Rachel x

* * *

_So they you have it. As I said it isn't very long.  
Glee: Facebook should be updated this weekend, but no promises - Microsoft Word won't let me edit the saved document for it , and I'm already halfway through Trio so I don't want to start again. I'll try to fix it soon, guys!  
These letters will be just after an episode,I think. Mainly one which I notice Rachel missed Finn a lot in, like The End of Twerk with the tattoo, or Katy or a Gaga with her singing My Man all day, etc etc._

_Oh and if I don't update before next Saturday then I'm sorry! I have school. And then we break up this Friday and I go on holiday the Saturday with hardly any wifi connection. So I'll update when I can, okay?_

_Reviews are love! 3_


	2. Letter 2

_Hey guys. So I was originally planning on working on Trio (Glee: Facebook) today but I was watching A League of Their Own on Sky1 (the show, not the movie!) and I just couldn't get this out of my mind! So I whipped this up for you amidst the not-so-hilarious parts and the advert breaks - keeping in mind this is my favourite episode with Steven Gerrard in! - and apologies if there are any mistakes. As I write it is exactly 11:47pm and as soon as this is posted I'm off to sleep. Enjoy, and I'll talk to you on the other side! :)_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, If You Say So or anything the reader may recognise. My words, as you know, are my own.**

* * *

_To The Love of My Life,_

_You know, when I was younger I always thought that whenever I came home from Broadway rehearsals I'd be buzzing. Right now I'm just depressed – I sang 'My Man' all day. I mean, it's a beautiful song, but it's still kind of a sore spot._

_I thought of you while I sang it though. Always will. When I sang it in Junior Year it was for you, when I sang it in Senior Year as my nightly vocal routine it was for you, when I sang it in preparation for Funny Girl auditions it was for you, and when I sing it now and will sing it for Funny Girl it's for you. _

_Okay, I don't want to get all tearful again. Why don't I just tell you about Kurt's new band? I named it 'Pamela Lansbury' as a joke, but Kurt, Santana, Dani (Santana's new girlfriend –you'd approve of her I'm sure!) and Elliot (our new friends; he's also known as 'Starchild.' He's a little over the top but he's great) seemed to love it. Our first number was Katy Perry's new song 'Roar'. I'm not sure if you heard it or not before you left because I don't really watch Top Forty shows now, but I'm sure you'd like it. It has quite a fun, upbeat rhythm to it._

_With all the new Katy Perry songs coming out, it makes me wish we did a tribute week for her in Glee Club._

_Which reminds me – Kurt told me that Blaine told him that the theme in Glee this week is 'A Katy or a Gaga'. I bet that makes no sense to you, does it, love? Don't worry; it didn't to me either! Basically, people who identified themselves as a bigger Katy Perry fan had to perform Lady Gaga songs, and vice versa. Believe me, Blaine wasn't very impressed!_

_You'd be proud of them. Kurt and Blaine, I mean. I know you weren't there for the proposal because of school, but you'd have been so proud. I know I am. They've come so far. I only wish you were here to see it._

_Do you remember the star you gave me Christmas our Senior Year? You said that whenever I was feeling lonely I could look up to the stars and see you looking down on me...You have no idea how grateful I am for that now. It's like whenever I feel the pressure of having to survive without you is too much, I can look up and realise I am not alone. I need that... reassurance sometimes._

_I kind of feel like I'm using you as a diary. A place to rant and to vent and to confess and to cherish. I hope you don't mind. When we were together it was basically me doing all the talking and you just pretending to listen, though I know you'd deny that._

_Well, I have a script (yawn!) to be writing for NYADA so I best be off. I think I will write it about a girl who's confused and heartbroken and just beginning to mend, if that._  
_ Nah, they'd see right through me..._  
_ I love and miss you more with every day,_  
_ All my love,_  
_ Rachel x_  
_ P.S: I found the actual star quotation in my yearbook. I think it's my fave moment. It made me smile:  
_  
_ You: "It's your own star"  
__Me: "You named a star after me?"  
__You: "No, I thought about that but then I named it Finn Hudson, because there is already a star called Rachel Berry and she's right here on earth and she's brighter than any of those stars up there. So I wanted to make sure that whenever she feels lonely, she can look up at the sky and no matter where I am, she can know that I'm looking down on her."_

* * *

_Ahh, how I love Finchel. I miss them. That's one of my favourite moments between them. As I said, it's short but it's sweet, and that's pretty much all you can ask for with something like this.  
__Not entirely sure when I'll update next - just know that this is one of the favourite stories I have ever written of mine. _

_Let me know what you thought down below! Do it now. I can wait ;)._

_Jk. Just drop me a review if you have time :). They're love 3._


	3. Letter 3

I'm really happy with the chapter. It's short, sweet, and it takes place just after The End of Twerk. Well, actually, just after Rachel looks at her Finn tattoo. I'm still not over that.

I hope you enjoy and I'll see you on the other side!

* * *

_To The Love of My Life,_

_I think today is the day that I broke out of the hole I dug when you left. I was living, but I didn't really have a **life**. I probably still aren't the girl I was then, but at least I'm not what Kurt was – he Skypes with Blaine every day and it wasn't even sexy Skyping until earlier..._  
_...Yeah, I'm writing with earphones in. At least I'm being forced to practice Fanny, right?_  
_Sorry; you really didn't need to know that your brother was having sex._  
_Ooh, the mental images...!_

_Moving on._

_The reason I mentioned Kurt was because he got a tattoo! It was crazy – we drunk a bottle of ...something - I can't remember what – in a public tattoo shop! His was supposed to say 'It gets better' (I think) but it got messed up because Kurt can't write when he's half-drunk so instead it said 'It's gets better or something like that. Anyway, he changed it to 'It's got Bette Midler' but I don't see why he didn't just change it to 'It's got better', you know? At least that would make sense._

_I told him that I was too afraid to get one._

_I lied._

_I... erm..._  
_Gosh this page is gonna be wet-through when I'm done with it!_

_I got a tattoo on my left ribcage which reads your name. You now have truly left a permanent mark on me; though you undoubtedly did years ago with your love, talent and personality (you always did have a colourful one!)._

_I could barely say your name without bursting into tears, which is why it's a good thing that they like a printing – I used your favourite font. I'd have preferred your handwriting but, unfortunately, Microsoft Word doesn't really do a replica messy scrawl. They really need to._

_I guess I should stop being sentimental now. My ink's unreadable as it is!_

_Rehearsals for Funny Girl are going well. Rupert Campion, the director, is strict, but he's kind. He understands when I need to take a breather when it's too much, at least. The man playing Nick, he's... interesting. He's a lot older than me, don't you worry. I'm not ready for another relationship yet, anyway. Plus he's not the cutest guy in the world._  
_I'm serious, the spotty, greasy hot-dog guy at Six Flags sounds more appealing than him!_

_Ha! I can see you scoffing up there now!_

_I say this in every entry, but I miss you. Billions. In fact it's infinite because I don't think there's a number large enough to say how much I miss you._  
_I can feel your presence with everything that I do and yet I feel so lonely. I will always have your star, though!_

_Anyway, Santana's home from her date with Dani now so maybe we can blast Pitch Perfect on or something and attempt to block out the noises coming from Kurt's bedroom – they ain't pretty!_

_Apologies, again. I really need to stop doing that.._

_I love and miss you more with every second._

_All my love, adoration and admiration,_

_Rachel xx_

* * *

Sorry for the sexy times reference. I'm a Klaine fan, it just comes out. Rachel mentioned it in the show, anyway.

I had full intentions of posting this on Saturday, but this website was playing up for me - was it you?

I hope you enjoyed it! Enjoy Opening Night on Tuesday - or I guess it's tomorrow. I slept all day until 1:45pm (completely justified, I'm sick) so it feels like 5pm to me.

I also hope you liked Tested last week! I just watched it a couple of hours ago and Blaine MIGHT need to lose a few! I loved the boys stuff and I love the Rachel/Mercedes scenes as well. Rachel talking about her love for Finn was heart-wrenching and couldn't have been sweeter.

Reviews are love and will make me feel loads better! Let me know what was your favourite part and what I can improve on!


	4. Letter 4

_I am SO sorry guys. I do have excuses: my internet has been messing up, I've been sick and I had big tests this month. Also, I had to deal with Liverpool being in the title race for the first time in my life. It was pretty hard to deal with!_

_I have more news at the end but for now, please just enjoy the new chapter!_

**_For disclaimer check first two chapters please._**

* * *

_To my one true love, _

_This week has been quite eventful. Blaine and Sam came to visit us in New York to audition for their respective schools and it was quite the party! I'm not sure the loft can house Santana, Sam, Kurt Blaine AND me. It's too much of a squeeze. Of course Blaine's moving in, he can just share with Kurt, but with the fact that Santana already has to sleep on the couch, I don't know where Sam comes in. Maybe Kurt and Blaine will get their own place? I don't know. It's still a little while before Graduation, anyway._

_How are you? I hope you're well. It... pains me to not be able to ask how you are. Just so you know, I'm doing okay. It still hurts but I think, with the help of still being able to talk to you in a way, and my friends, of course, it'll get better. At least I hope it will, because I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I'd rather celebrate yours for the wonderful person you are._

_Funny Girl rehearsals are going good. We're still miles away from Opening Night but I'm settling in. I hope you'd be proud of me. There's something about living life for the both of us now, not just me, that powers me on. You looking down on me is like my own personal engine, guiding me through life._

_Anyway, back onto Blaine and Sam visiting. Sam might possibly have a little crush on me. I'm pretty sure I don't return those feelings, but there were a couple of moments this week in which something might have happened. Don't worry, nothing did. I'm glad; he and Mercedes are obviously meant to be._

_Okay, I'll stop worrying you know. I just thought I'd say. You are kind of my diary, right? Plus, you're my best friend as well - best friends confide in each other. _

_I know that this is kind of a short entry, but there has been so much going on this week. Hopefully,next week will calm down a bit and I will just be able to sit down and write my heart out. _

_Not literally ;)._

_Well anyway, we're going to take Blaine and Sam to the airport now, and then Kurt, Santana and I are going to have a girls night (basically just to distract Kurt in case he's a blubbery mess haha)._

_I love you, Finn. Never forget that. _

_Rachel x._

* * *

News time!

So I'm really sorry about this, but if any of you follow the football/soccer world you will know coming up this summer it is the World Cup 2014. I am going on holiday on June the 14th and won't be back until June the 28th, meaning I won't be able to update in those times. I won't have access to a laptop or internet either. Ugh, I'm gonna have to catch up on SO MANY Troye Sivan and Tyler Oakley videos...

Anyway, I'm really sorry about this. This holiday was booked way back in October as soon as England qualified, and it's only now that I remembered to tell you. Hopefully, you will still stick with this story. I really enjoy writing it for you!

I know it's early,but I wish your team luck in the World Cup (unless England are playing you haha).

I hope to update Glee: Facebook soon.

Please let me know what you think. Also, tell me episodes you want Rachel to write to Finn after. I'd love to hear from you!

Reviews are love.


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